Confession

I am 30 years old now. And I am totally and utterly unhappy with myself. I am so disgusted, disappointed, embarrassed and ashamed.

I am 5'9'. I weight 244lbs.

This is where my total self-loathing stems from. I was a "chunky' kid for a while, then I was a "big girl" in middle school and high school. I spent a summer away (no, not fat camp) and really got into a good place. I finished my senior year of high school in the best shape I had ever experienced, and still had room for improvement. I stayed at the local college, so I lived at home my first year. I continued on a good path, I ran almost every day. I loved who I was.

When I was 19 I discovered I had some pretty major back issues. I had some signs of it when I was young, which I ignored. I could no longer ignore my issues as they quite literally took me down. I collapsed on my bedroom floor and couldn't get off the ground. I went to chiropractic treatment very regularly and can say that my practitioner is nothing short of a miracle. I was able to walk again.

Unfortunately, for me, I became VERY comfortable using my back issues as an excuse. I was in a size 12, and very soon after that needed a 14... and you get the idea.

Currently, I am anywhere between an 18 and a 22. It depends on brand, style, cut, etc.

I have lived the past 10 years fat and unhappy. 10 years. 1/3 of my life. 1/2 of my adult life. I have wasted SO MUCH time talking and not DOING.

So, this is where I start anew. Where I refresh, reboot. It isn't the best time, as I feel as I am coming down with something (possibly tonsillitis, as I get that quite often) - so I will gather my thoughts, make my plans and preparations.... and get a jump start back into life once I kick this bug to the curb.

Until later, my anonymous abyss. 

Imbalanced.

Balance. Where do you find it?

Personal. Professional. Recreational.

Everything seems to give way to professional. Work dictates what kind of recreation to participate in. Is there time to dedicate to team activities, do you want to commit to long term plans, will you even feel like going out once you finish with your work day.

Am I just old and boring? How is it so damn hard for me to want to get out every now and then, interact with other people, and feel good about where my non-professional life is at right now? I come home from work and honestly just feel exhausted. I listen to the problems of everyone I interact with each day, I listen to everything my coworkers need to unload and just want to shut down and unwind all by myself - and sometimes with Chris.

I long for nights filled with good food, good friends and awesome entertainment. I don't even care if that entertainment is plain old conversation, board games, a dip in the pool. Whatever it is, I just want it to be good. I think the problem is that I find people to invest time in, energy, even finances... and then they turn out to be moldy sponges - absorbing all you have to offer while contaminating all the good things of your life. People here are not the same as back home. They are too focused on the next party, show, major event or simply just their personal lives. They lie to you when you reach out to them while acting chummy while they are need need of attention or the "hook up". Everything is the hook up. I need this, can you get me that, do you know so-and-so... yeah? you think you can score xxxx from them for me?

I am tired of the fake people in this town. I need to find those who are worth the time, are worth letting into my life and sharing all those special moments with. Chris and I need to get out more, without spending an arm and a leg - we honestly can't afford that - and finding new quality people to be with.

You never realize just how important awesome friends are until you notice just how few you really have.

The Hermit Inside

Sometimes I just want to be alone. I struggle with my desires to be with Chris and my attachment disorder compared to wanting to be alone and not have to talk to him. I love my husband, but sometimes I just want to feel a sense of priviacy that I haven't had since I started dating him. I told him from the beginning that I have nothing to hide from him- but I don't feel as though I am hiding. I am just trying to be an individual balancing a married life and a personal life.

Happiness

1/08/2008

I sit behind these walls... wallowing. Happiness is such a fleeting emotion, yet no one wants to face the harsh reality.

Without sorrow, depression, anger, betrayal, disappointment, and heartache- happiness wouldn't exist. You can not be fully content or feel true happiness in any moment without having experienced any other emotion.

When you meet the average person chances are they are not truly happy. They are comfortable being content with how their lives are without making a fuss over how they want it to be. Settling. They're too tired to put up a fight and make their dreams become reality. Or they have beat themselves up so much in their lifetime they actually believe that this is how life is and always will be.

I refuse to be content with my life. I will not sit back and watch it pass by wondering how everyone else seems to do it. I won't let the devils of my mind tell me I can not achieve what I want to.