Confession

I am 30 years old now. And I am totally and utterly unhappy with myself. I am so disgusted, disappointed, embarrassed and ashamed.

I am 5'9'. I weight 244lbs.

This is where my total self-loathing stems from. I was a "chunky' kid for a while, then I was a "big girl" in middle school and high school. I spent a summer away (no, not fat camp) and really got into a good place. I finished my senior year of high school in the best shape I had ever experienced, and still had room for improvement. I stayed at the local college, so I lived at home my first year. I continued on a good path, I ran almost every day. I loved who I was.

When I was 19 I discovered I had some pretty major back issues. I had some signs of it when I was young, which I ignored. I could no longer ignore my issues as they quite literally took me down. I collapsed on my bedroom floor and couldn't get off the ground. I went to chiropractic treatment very regularly and can say that my practitioner is nothing short of a miracle. I was able to walk again.

Unfortunately, for me, I became VERY comfortable using my back issues as an excuse. I was in a size 12, and very soon after that needed a 14... and you get the idea.

Currently, I am anywhere between an 18 and a 22. It depends on brand, style, cut, etc.

I have lived the past 10 years fat and unhappy. 10 years. 1/3 of my life. 1/2 of my adult life. I have wasted SO MUCH time talking and not DOING.

So, this is where I start anew. Where I refresh, reboot. It isn't the best time, as I feel as I am coming down with something (possibly tonsillitis, as I get that quite often) - so I will gather my thoughts, make my plans and preparations.... and get a jump start back into life once I kick this bug to the curb.

Until later, my anonymous abyss.